I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
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doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd