“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
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Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.