“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
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i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived