Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

#Caturday

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

this came to me in a vision

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.