I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
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Always 🥴
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!