“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
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Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
oh you wanna fight?!
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.