Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

security at the airport getting more straightforward

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation