I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
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when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”