I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Breaking news:
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
incredible text to wake up to
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.