I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity


I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.


Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir


Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?


Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.


The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.


[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?


My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.


Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*