I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
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Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
This raises questions
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.