I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)