I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.