I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
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Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?