Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

But that’s none of my business

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Ion see the issue

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.