I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.