I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Pizza is an emotion right?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting