I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
You Might Also Like
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.