I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
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Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school