I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*