I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
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Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
The Others (2001)
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…