“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
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Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.