I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-