I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
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[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.