“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
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I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.