I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
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TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul