I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
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[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.