I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.