I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.