I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Lmao
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car