I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.