I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
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[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.