I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Terribly Tuesday.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.