I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
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I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
c’mon!
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My five year plan is a meteorite
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.