I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Ugh
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.