I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
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the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Well, this explains it:
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.