I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
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I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
somebody come look at this
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID