I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
You Might Also Like
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*