I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.