I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
🏙👨🏼
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.