I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
it was love at first sight
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct