@JesKeepSwimming

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

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@xosm

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

@ConanOBrien

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

@sweetmomissa

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

@Book_Krazy

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

@CulturedRuffian

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

@david8hughes

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?