I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
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comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that