I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
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Oh. My. God.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.