“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
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The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I’m being attacked 😭
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
it was a valiant fight
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
At least try to make it slightly believable
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them