I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
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me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*