I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Trying
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.