I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Guy who likes music
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..