i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
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ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Growing up was a huge mistake
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.