I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
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Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
This is so me 😂😂
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”