I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
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hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
why no one uses midhusbands
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Nice try Hitler
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.