Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

What if the weather talks about us?

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

🙂🐾

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot