I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
You Might Also Like
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers